This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
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Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.