You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
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We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
gm
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.