Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
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My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.