ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
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The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Single and childfree like Jesus
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.