*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
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[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…