my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
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What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL