Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
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I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!