“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
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my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.