ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
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I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you