[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
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deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets