Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
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Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.