Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
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*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Fixed this for Shakespeare
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.