“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
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The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.