Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
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Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia