How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
You Might Also Like
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
He took my last fry, your honor
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip