I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
You Might Also Like
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.