Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
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Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop