on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
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Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Seems kinda suspicious
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.