I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
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Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.