Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
You Might Also Like
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
is it earth
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her