My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
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TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.