Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
You Might Also Like
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.