I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
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Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014