“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
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heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified