Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
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Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Breaking news:
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you