holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
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If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.