My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
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When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Any refunds available?…
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Green is just blue that someone peed in