My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
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Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
LMAO
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early