Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
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Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”