Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
You Might Also Like
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.