REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
You Might Also Like
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Are these grass-fed oranges?
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.