Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
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If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.