Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
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#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
We are the people our parents warned us about.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Don’t snitch tag.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
started wrapping my pills in cheese
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”