I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
You Might Also Like
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”