99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
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nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!