Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
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People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally