Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
You Might Also Like
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Google assistant rules
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out