4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
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[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”