Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
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Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Pretty much! 😂👀