On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
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[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Safety first
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Saturday
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I put the hot in psychotic.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what