CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
You Might Also Like
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
when there are deer in the woods
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Print is alive and well!!!
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.