if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
You Might Also Like
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Nose
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Saw your ex at the shops
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.