accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
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Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.