Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
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[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone