If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
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People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Uh oh…
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher