I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
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Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this