Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
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Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
2022 be like
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water