Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
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It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Blew my mind.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.