I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
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Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.