Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
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[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/